COMING FOR AMERICA 2
The Turbulence
Andayi Mushenye
TABLE OF CONTENT
CHAPTER 1
TOUCHDOWN USA: ONE MAN, ZERO CLUE:
The Thrill Before the Chaos
CHAPTER 2
SPOOKED AND CHASED INTO AMERICA:
How a Strange White Man Turned My Airport Arrival into a Heart-Pounding Sprint for My Life
CHAPTER 3
EXPECTATION VS. REALITY: AMERICAN EDITION:
“Welcome to America, Please Adjust Your Ego or America will Adjust it for You.”
CHAPTER 4
WELCOME TO AMERICA, PLEASE SPELL YOUR NAME:
A Foreign Student, Eight Countries’ Worth of Letters, and One Very Confused Receptionist
CHAPTER 5
THE PIZZA PARADOX:
I Went Looking for a Man Named Pizza—Until I Discovered the Suspect Was Edible
CHAPTER 6
SURVIVING AMERICAN SUPERMARKET:
A Hilarious Journey Through Aisles of Confusion, Culture Shock, and Culinary Terror
CHAPTER 7
I MET AMERICA IN THE STREETS AND IT SPOKE A DIFFERENT ENGLISH:
From “What’s Up” to “Four Lights Down,” Every Phrase Betrayed Me and Sent Me in The Wrong Direction
CHAPTER 8
YOU CAN TAKE A MAN OUT OF AFRICA—BUT YOU CANNOT SPEED HIM UP:
Americans Walk Like They are Being Pursued by the Urgency of Time. Africans Stroll Like Everyone They Meet on the Road Owes Them a Full Conversation
CHAPTER 9
LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT AT KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN DRIVE THRU:
The Cutie-Pie Wasn’t so Crazy for me but Just Doing Her Job
CHAPTER 10
THE NEAR-DEATH CHICKEN BITE:
The Car Missed Me, but I Refused to Drop my Last Piece of KFC
CHAPTER 11
I GATHERED A BUCKET OF CHICKEN AND LEFT WITH A LESSON:
Sometimes The Real Culture Shock is not The Food—It is the People Watching You Eat It
CHAPTER 12
MONSTER HEADS AND FINGER-LICKING HORROR FLICK:
A Grocery Store, a Cleaver, and the Cultural Crime of Eating the Best Part
CHAPTER 13
THE BLEACH APOCALYPSE:
One washer. Zero clothes, One Near-Blindness, and a Half-Naked Wet Immigrant
CHAPTER 14
THE GREAT MICHIGAN AVENUE TREK:
Two Plastic Bags, 100 Cars, Zero Lifts, Except Eyerolls and Random Middle Fingers
CHAPTER 15
FROM KITCHEN MACHINES, HITCHHIKING TO SERIAL KILLERS:
A Simple Encounter Turns into a Horrifying Crime Documentary
CHAPTER 16
THE AUTOPSY OF MY INNOCENCE:
Forensic Science Collides with Immigrant Innocence in a Crash Course of Crime Scenes, Cold Cases, and Psychopaths
CHAPTER 17
WHEN AMERICA BROKE MY CONCEPT OF “CRAZY”:
African Lunatics vs. American Psychopaths: A Comparative Study
CHAPTER 18
PLEADING THE FIFTH:
In America, Silence Is Golden. Especially If You are Guilty
CHAPTER 19
THE LONG WALK HOME:
The Survival Manual Nobody Gave me at the Foreign Students Orientation
CHAPTER 20
“WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”
The Line That Nearly Sent Me Straight Back to the Village in a Casket
CHAPTER 21
THE DAY I OUTSMARTED NOBODY:
How I Became a Runaway Fugitive Without Committing a Crime
CHAPTER 22
OFF-HOOK AND OUT-OF-LUCK:
How a Touch-Tone Phone Off-Hook Tone Humiliated the Whole Villager in me
CHAPTER 23
DRESSED TO SLAY, IRONED TO PERFECTION, IGNORED ON ARRIVAL:
My First American Party—and How No One Fed the Best-Dressed Man There
CHAPTER 24
THE ACRONYM THAT ALMOST STARTED A WAR:
What No One Explained About College Parties
CHAPTER 25
THE FURY OF AFRICAN CURSE WORDS HEARD AROUND AMERICA:
APARTMENT: When Fury in my Mother-Tongue Became a Voicemail from Hell That Nearly Ruined a Great Friendship
CHAPTER 26
A GOODBYE THAT NEARLY KILLED ME:
The Day an Innocent Farewell Nearly Gave me a Heart Attack.
CHAPTER 27
THE SWIMMING CLASS THAT ALMOST GOT ME EXPELLED:
Spoiler: I only Found Trouble. One Misunderstanding at a Time.
CHAPTER 28
NEVER TEST A RIVER WITH BOTH FEET:
The Advice I Heard After Surviving Pure Terror
CHAPTER 29
EYES ON THE PRIZE—APPARENTLY A CRIME:
One Lingering Look and Boom: Sexual Harassment 101
CHAPTER 30
FROM VILLAGE GENTLEMAN TO CAMPUS OFFENDER:
Freedom of Speech is Not Freedom to Flirt
CHAPTER 31
DIGITAL BAPTISM: DOCUMENT 1, PAGE 1, LINE 1 — LOST
My First Date with a Computer—and we Did Not Click.
CHAPTER 32
YOU’VE GOT MAIL… BUT I’VE GOT QUESTIONS:
The Comedic Collision Between Village Upbringing, and Digital Reality in America
CHAPTER 33
WELCOME TO AMERICA’S DIGITAL FAST LANE:
Spam, Sperm, and a Virus in My Operating System